• The Tenuous Purpose

    This Blog is built - not, as some might expect, on a flimsy whim but on a strong and single minded principle.

    That principle concerns Biscuits and their position in the world.

    We are really very keen on biscuits.
    As are many of you out there.
    We think.

    We wish to create an archive of Arrowroot, a backlog of Bourbons and a catalogue of Chocolate Fingers. Anybody can contribute an entry - or dispute somebody else's - provided they are not dull.
    Even Americans who perhaps don't really have the heritage of biscuitry that we are fortunate to have here.

    Or maybe they do and we are unaware of the full glory of the cookie.

    We realise that this whole subject is admirably and concisely dealt with by that excellent and unbeatable website A Nice Cup of Tea and a Sit Down. Our feeble efforts will be as the kicking of a gadfly in the face of their wisdom and experience but we hope that we may have a small contribution to make.

  • Biscuit Encounters on Twitter

  • The Synod of Biscuitry

    James Alexander-Sinclair of Blackpitts
    Gardener, Blogger, Journalist, Lecturer etc, etc. Much of his life is spent loafing around other people’s gardens issuing directives and generally cluttering up the place. However, like the great Mr Kipling, he does (occasionally) make exceptionally good gardens. (Although even Mr Kipling messed up a bit with the Carrot and Walnut Mini Classics.)

    Mark Diacono of Otter Farm
    He does sterling work growing many inappropriate plants in Devon. He dedicates a great deal of time and effort nurturing a plethora of plants that are (mostly) totally unsuited to our climate. His is a life of such extreme eccentric dedication that to start a Blog about Biscuits seems perfectly normal. He treads gently in the footsteps of people like the great William Buckland,a professor of Geology who claimed that he could tell location by tasting the local topsoil.

The Biscuitocracy

This is all going rather well isn’t it? In the few weeks since this blog emerged, dripping from the collective slime of our imaginations many people have visited and a satisfying number of you have contributed.

Lest you think that this is just something thrown together one evening I thought that I would take this opportunity to outline the substantial benefits of contributing to this Blog. There is a well considered reward system – quite like a Tesco clubcard but considerably more prestigious – in place.

It is based, as those of you who could be bothered to read all the stuff in the sidebars of this Blog, on the Jacob’s Club Biscuit. For those of you who are either too young or too foreign to remember, the Club biscuit was (and doubtless remains) a much loved teatime stalwart. In my house it was not just any teatime, however, but a particularly special teatime treat. Visiting Grannys. Birthdays. Compensation for pet bereavements/personal injuries etc

They were particularly famous because of the advertising jingle: “If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit, Join our club”. Very catchy.

There were some good adverts as well: thanks to the wonder that is  YouTube you can revisit them here, here and here

Anyway. The hierarchy of this Blog decrees that after you have written Five posts you will receive the title plain. This may be used on business cards, stationery, vehicle livery, servants’ uniforms etc. The correct usage is ‘M.Diacono,plain’ (the lower case is important).

After Ten contributions you may describe yourself as ‘The Orange M.Diacono’ (we are very much hoping that either George Hamilton or that antique fellow off the telly will reach this level).

After Twenty you become ‘M.Diacono of that Mint’

And after Twenty- five you will be styled ‘His (or Her) Fruitiness, M.Diacono’.

There is also a special Award that can be given at the discretion of the Plenipotentiary committee as reward for any particularly outstanding service. The correct address for this award is ‘M.coffee.Diacono’. It is very rare.

So now you know.

James Alexander-Sinclair.

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19 Responses

  1. Point of order: surely ‘orange’ is the best of the club biscuits and so should therefore be the name of the award for long service. The fruit ones are pants.

  2. Half agreed Lia – fruit ones are clearly not the best, but my vote would be for the mint Club as tops. Not necessarily because it is the best to the adult taster, but because I believe that at some point in our lives mint has been everyone’s favourite Club.

    • Excuse me you two. I think you will find, on careful reading of the full constitution , that there is no mention of either ‘democracy’ or ‘public opinion’. You may debate the merits of various flavours but the awards system remains untouched. Anyway Fruit is better than Orange. So there.

  3. Not mine. Orange all the way. i always just presumed everyone felt the same.

  4. Lia – dont take on the commissar. He makes a good and loyal friend but if you cross him…..

  5. I think the fruit one is the best! But I lament the fact that the chocolate coating is not as thick as it once was. I never liked the plain ones, oh no! I fear I may never even want to ‘achieve’ this award, I am not inspired enough. Orange – Mint – Fruit.
    Just my opinion commissar, please don’t make me send you more biccies to make friends again..xxxx

  6. doff doff, scrape scrape. please accept my humble apologies for daring to question (even though, as Carrie points out, the club biscuit as a whole is a thin-chocolate-coated shadow of its former self, and so perhaps not the best example upon which to base your entire hierarchy. But not my place to say, guv.)

    Nicely distancing yourself from your earlier remarks there, Mark, i thought we were in this together, you and me against the machine!

  7. Oh dear, and here I was thinking that an orange IS a fruit but perhaps I’m both too young and too foreign to know any better.

    And have you really thought this award system through Hatman? How many of your female contributors would like to be called plain, you think, especially after working their elegant fingers to the bone by writing at least 5 posts? Not to mention gaining a minimum of 6 pounds while researching all things biccy. Tsk, tsk, this certainly Will Not Do.

    Yolanda, definitely non-plain

  8. Bony fingers a specialty here, you will be receiving abundant cookie/biscuit articles soon. How many points for enlisting others to contribute? I think that deserving for a title of some kind too. Plain or peanut.

    Frances

  9. AND I have never been called too foreign, or even foreign at all before and find it quite mysterious and dare it be said, sexy.

    F

  10. Everyone lubs a club (or did I make that up?)

    I seem to recall, in the days of poorer ‘quality control’ that occasionally one would get a club biscuit with little or no biscuit in it, just solid chocolate. It was a bit like looking for the golden ticket in a wonka bar.

  11. I hated the orange and mint one – it was always the fruit for me so I suppose I had better get writing and quick.

  12. Oh my goodness ‘new shoot’ you are so right, it was a thing, the whole club biscuit with the biscuit! I got one! Plus, even better I was in Thorntons once and bought a caramel bar after a particularly stressful day at Uni. I had to eat a segment from 5 bars in front of the manager before I got one with caramel in it! FUN DAY! As I had touched all the other bars before getting what I had paid for, I got to keep them all, Chocolate heaven. I have also had Kit Kats with no biscuit, I think I am cursed/blessed.

  13. […] **You will notice that, this being Carrie’s fifth post, she has been formally awarded the title plain. Details of the honours system can be found here. […]

  14. Did this blog have anything to do with George Hamilton getting invited onto ‘I’m a Celibrity…’?

  15. This Blog has (chocolate) fingers in many pies….

  16. […] You will notice that Frances should now be addressed as The Orange Frances Garrison. This is because she has already contributed a phenomenal ten posts to this Blog. President Obama has been informed. For anybody who is perhaps a little fuzzy about how these things work the relevant post is here […]

  17. […] *Huge rounds of applause and tumultuous cheering for Michelle. She becomes the second of our valued contributors to reach The Orange level. You will find clarification of titles and awards here. […]

  18. Can honours be taken away if you disgrace yourself?
    Are there any nationality criteria if one wants to go for the top biscuit job?

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