• The Tenuous Purpose

    This Blog is built - not, as some might expect, on a flimsy whim but on a strong and single minded principle.

    That principle concerns Biscuits and their position in the world.

    We are really very keen on biscuits.
    As are many of you out there.
    We think.

    We wish to create an archive of Arrowroot, a backlog of Bourbons and a catalogue of Chocolate Fingers. Anybody can contribute an entry - or dispute somebody else's - provided they are not dull.
    Even Americans who perhaps don't really have the heritage of biscuitry that we are fortunate to have here.

    Or maybe they do and we are unaware of the full glory of the cookie.

    We realise that this whole subject is admirably and concisely dealt with by that excellent and unbeatable website A Nice Cup of Tea and a Sit Down. Our feeble efforts will be as the kicking of a gadfly in the face of their wisdom and experience but we hope that we may have a small contribution to make.

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  • The Synod of Biscuitry

    James Alexander-Sinclair of Blackpitts
    Gardener, Blogger, Journalist, Lecturer etc, etc. Much of his life is spent loafing around other people’s gardens issuing directives and generally cluttering up the place. However, like the great Mr Kipling, he does (occasionally) make exceptionally good gardens. (Although even Mr Kipling messed up a bit with the Carrot and Walnut Mini Classics.)

    Mark Diacono of Otter Farm
    He does sterling work growing many inappropriate plants in Devon. He dedicates a great deal of time and effort nurturing a plethora of plants that are (mostly) totally unsuited to our climate. His is a life of such extreme eccentric dedication that to start a Blog about Biscuits seems perfectly normal. He treads gently in the footsteps of people like the great William Buckland,a professor of Geology who claimed that he could tell location by tasting the local topsoil.

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Lean, Mean Biscuits

You are all – I can just tell – those lithe, wiry sorts who ‘struggle to put on weight’. You’re out in the elements all day, every day, tilling the soil and taking on Mother Nature and you should eat biscuits, and lots of them.

You’re practically wasting away, for goodness sake!

But there is a nether world of biscuits out there that I would guess (judging by your athletic physique) you have yet to experience. I’m afraid I am indeed talking about slimmers’ biscuits. I feel I am lowering the tone of a blog that has so far been all about crumbly butteryness, thick slabby chocolateyness, and marshmallow chewiness, but you should know that some people’s daily biscuit intake is far less luxurious than yours.

I am not a big slimmer, but I have dabbled, and I had a particularly prolonged stint at a well-known slimming club sometime after the birth of my second child. I have put it all behind me now, but a few weeks of hitting the white wine and Green & Blacks a little too hard of an evening saw me tentatively reach for a packet of slimmers’ Caramel Wafers in the supermarket yesterday. This is the pretend version of one of my favourite biscuits, the Tunnock’s Caramel Wafer. I have just eaten one and I will describe it to you: it is easily half the depth of a Tunnocks, and is quite possibly half as wide too, and shorter, of course. The wafer is all there (woo hoo), but the caramel is some kind of tough, snappy, reduced sugar affair. The chocolate comprises possibly the thinnest coating known to man, and could potentially be used as some sort of confectionery tracing paper, should such a thing ever be called for. The slimmers’ biscuit is, as you can see, a mere facsimile, designed not to excite the taste buds and satisfy the appetite but simply to stave off a craving for the real thing, for a little while. And in fact I don’t particularly feel like a Tunnock’s Caramel Wafer now, it’s true, but this is a negative sort of biscuit eating experience, eating something naff to stop you wanting to eat something nice. Another tack taken by the slimmers’ clubs is to encourage you to eat the same thing as usual, just less of it. ‘Eat just one digestive biscuit with your tea, instead of two’ goes the literature. One? Two?! Has anyone ever managed such a thing? I think the final word on restraint, where biscuits are concerned, should go to Lola, of Charlie and Lola fame. ‘I can’t eat more than ten biscuits in one go,’ she says. ‘Ten is enough.’

Wise words.

Lia Leendertz

9 Responses

  1. Such fakery! It has to be the real thing or nothing surely?

    Perhaps the solution is to solicit help from someone wily – like Sally’s stepdad – who will continue to hide the biscuits behind the liver in the fridge, but just one of them at a time.

  2. My slimming tip is to break a ‘proper’ biscuit in half and pretend you have 2! Then eat very slowly. However at times of great stress I feel, one could possibly die tomorrow – I’m going out happy hand me that packet.
    I should think ‘slimmers’ biscuits’ should not be allowed to have the use of the noun biscuit, it is an untruth (ie a damn lie).

  3. You could do no better than to try the polar opposite, the contradictory confection, the flip-side feast that is the “Domino’s Oreo Cookie Pizza”

  4. I went quite mad recently and decided that, since I am a little on the ‘husky’ side, I would give up biscuits and cakes for two months. Having weighed myself before I started, I was keen to find out how much I had lost as a result of my abstinence.

    Two months later and not one solitary pound had been misplaced. Nothing. I was exactly the same weight.

    Clearly then, biscuits do NOT contribute to weight gain. I suspect that the secret to weight loss may in fact lie in MORE biscuits.

    I will continue to test this theory right after second dinner.

    • I’m with you and will henceforth try to start eating more biscuits in a vain attempt to lose some pounds. Does your theory come with a money back guarantee (or more biscuits) should the plan not work Mr Uku?

      • If you’re not losing weight from eating biscuits then you are probably doing it wrong. I would suggest, therefore, that you may need more practice and should probably use the emergency HobNob plan.

    • Remember : you should only embark upon the Huntley and Palmer Diet after consultation with a qualified Confectioner.

  5. I once bought a loaf of Slimcea bread just to see what it was like (I was about 22 and faintly malnourished through poverty and spending all my money on recreation rather than sustenance).
    It was like marshmallow made of sugarless cushion stuffing but, in spite of that, I ate the whole loaf in one go.
    Made me very wary of anything to do with slimming.

  6. Luckily my punishing fitness regime and semi-professional powerifting career means i can have the odd digestive between the whole roast chickens and fried eggs required to keep me liftin’ steel. *breathes out*

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