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    Mark Diacono of Otter Farm
    He does sterling work growing many inappropriate plants in Devon. He dedicates a great deal of time and effort nurturing a plethora of plants that are (mostly) totally unsuited to our climate. His is a life of such extreme eccentric dedication that to start a Blog about Biscuits seems perfectly normal. He treads gently in the footsteps of people like the great William Buckland,a professor of Geology who claimed that he could tell location by tasting the local topsoil.

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Metaphysical Biscuits

This summer I visited a temple in Northern India.

I was browsing the glass cases containing models of the gods and noticed that piles of offerings stacked in the corners included several packets of McVities Digestives.  This backbone of British biscuitness was obviously considered to be a snack necessity for deities.

A digestive?  Reliable yes, but surely if you are a god who has made the exhausting journey into the afterlife, you would want something more glamorous than the digestive to refresh and revitalise?  Granted, it is one of the more versatile biscuits on the market – no other can be enjoyed equally in a dunking capacity or with a slab of creamy Stilton –  not forgetting their valuable contribution to the cheesecake base.

Which biscuit would be appropriate in the afterlife?   It rather depends on where you end up.  If you’re en route to ‘the other place’, a chocolate coating would be inappropriate because of it’s melting properties.  A water biscuit might be just the thing, it would become high baked and pleasant to sustain you on your journey through all eternity with the wasps, many tailed dogs and so forth.

If you’re lucky enough to be headed upwards, how about the rainbow happiness of the iced gem?

Wherever I end up, I would like to think there was a good brew and a plate of biscuits waiting, but I would have to confess to a stab of disappointment if all Nirvana had to offer was the humble digestive.

Hilary Gullen


6 Responses

  1. I’d stick with the digestives. The less the Gods know about all the different and fabulous biscuits we have down here, the better.
    And anyway, giving digestives to deities is just the same as hiding your HobNobs at the back of the fridge when guests come round and saying to them, “I’m sorry, all I’ve got is rich tea.”
    Don’t see a problem there.

  2. I’m heading straight for your fridge next time I come round – none of this Rich Tea business – bring on the goodies!

  3. For all the glamour biscuits out there, i never ever tire of Digestives…never. And equally delicious accompanying tea as coffee. yes, reckon its Digestives for me too

    • And the digestive works well with your glass of wine, with that cheeky little chunk of cheese. The combination of the slight grittiness of the biscuit and the smooth texture of the cheese – sublime!

  4. For some reason, I imagine that gods would prefer pink wafer biscuits. That would leave all the actual edible biscuits for us mortals.

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