Death is sadly still a taboo subject amongst biscuit fanciers, but now, with every biscuit packet sheltering the possibility of diabetes, Hobnob rot or snacker’s larynx, it is something that all treat eaters must come to terms with. Death is inevitable, but it need not be feared, if a man can understand himself, and his biscuits, then he can go to the grave smiling. It is with this educative aim that I give you The Mortals Guide to Biscuits and the Encroaching End.
A mistake many biscuit eaters make when wrestling with visions of The End is to cut back on biscuit consumption, or worse still switch to a ‘light’ option. This casually reduces their life’s work to a mockery, and all the blissful biscuits of their past to bitter dust and ash. No, Scott of the Antarctic had it right: trapped in the blizzard that would eventually kill him he wrote: ‘Truly awful outside the tent. Must fight it out to the last biscuit, but can’t reduce rations.’ To fight it out to the last biscuit with no surrender and no reduction of rations!! His is a death we can all aspire to! Do not go gentle into that good night my chocolaty-fingered friends, Rage, rage against the option they call light! Feeling faint? Shooting chest pains? Rage on brave biscuit lover, open another packet, and prepare to meet St Peter with a smug and crummy grin. You may be dead but at least you can say you were alive to the very last.
I’m often asked by dying biscuit lovers ‘Will there be biscuits in the afterlife?’ and I’m afraid the sad but truthful answer is that I honestly don’t know. Some people argue that the Catholic Church’s 2000-year history of biscuit promotion proves there must be biscuits in heaven. They say that if transubstantiation on Earth means that biscuity wafers are transformed into Christ’s body, it logically follows that in heaven Christ’s body is transformed into a divine biscuit. I’m a historian not a theologian so I could not possibly comment, all I know is that Garibaldi, most war-like of all the biscuits, twice lead armies against the Vatican City, not something that endears the biscuits to God I suspect. Though in answer to the question, it matters not whether there are biscuits in the afterlife, if there are none then take heart that you lived your life in a crummy, jammy daze, you made the most of your threescore and ten and can have no regrets on your death bed. If there are biscuits in the afterlife you have nothing to fear from death anyway.
Something that should be acknowledged as early as possible to avoid anguish is that there will be a last biscuit. Once you have come to terms with the stark reality you can start planning what that last biscuit will be. Some go for the grand final hurrah, a 30lb ginger nut decorated with edible gold leaf and eaten off the naked belly of an oiled eunuch. Others say they will die as they lived, in their favourite comfy chair, surrounded by loved ones and chocolate digestives. It really does not matter what the last biscuit is, it’s the knowledge that death now comes with a nice biscuit that dispels the fear of The Reaper.
I hope this helps, we’re all doomed, but we might as well go out smiling.